He Let the Bed Bugs Bite

Quick, take a really good look at your bed. Right now. Do it. If you see something that looks like a blood-sucking, flesh-piercing, fear-inspiring, bane of my existence, temptation to anger, then you have seen what is commonly referred to as “cimex lectularius.” Maybe it’s not “commonly” referred to as that but if you asked any degree touting entomologist (or Sarah Jeanne) they would be able to tell you that what you have seen is known to most of us as a bed bug. If you’re not sure what one looks like, below is my interpretive painting of one of these creatures.As you can see, the large fangs and aggressive speech make this creature’s intent obvious. It desires to drink your blood like a small insectoid Dracula. Why do I have such a personal grudge against these small insects? Let me tell you a story.

A long, long few days ago, in a camp far, far nearby there was a happy group of campers called Lightswitch. Among them was an innocent, happy boy named Jeremy. Jeremy was thoroughly enjoying the evening and spending time with his friends, but that was all about to change.

Jeremy and his friends were up quite late that night enjoying one another’s company and doing things all together (someone should come up with a slogan catchier than that, something like “if or when we do something, we do it inclusively as long as people can make it”). When they were finally ready to go to bed, the guys went to their cabin, only to find that a lumberjack named Jacob was in the middle of an anti-tree campaign that would have prevented the sleep of anyone who stayed in the cabin.

Luckily, there was a vacant cabin next door. Jeremy and his friends decided that they would spend the night in this cabin instead. This would be a decision Jeremy would later regret, for in this cabin lived something far worse than a noise violation comparable to a jetliner taking off. Yes, in this cabin were the bed bugs, silently waiting to feast upon the unaware (and quite tired) Jeremy.

So Jeremy and his friends got ready for bed. At this point it was discovered that the cabin also had an unusually high population of nocturnas theologous (commonly referred to as nocturnal theologians). These creatures were harmless, however, (and rather intriguing) so Jeremy (as interested as he was) soon drifted off to sleep to the sounds of Bible doctrine and an African American bedtime dance.

40 minutes later…

Jeremy awoke to find the nocturnas theologous still chirping their sweet salvation songs, but something wasn’t quite right. Jeremy’s eyes quickly settled on a small bug scuttering its way across the bunk-bed wall. Jeremy quickly reverted to the girly influences of his upbringing and jumped out of bed in a way that made some think he was sleep-walking. When asked what the problem was he muttered something about bugs. At which point “He Who Knows These Things” (a.k.a. Ben Rodgers) verified that it was indeed the dreaded bed bug. This was the beginning of the infamous night of the bed bugs. To be continued in a future post.